TFP: Goosefucked
by queenpearl
Summary: Based on a joke with a friend.


"Optimus, Decepticon activity!" Ratchet called from his place at the monitor. "It appears they are attempting to remove an Iacon relic."

"Open the groundbridge." Optimus ordered.

Ratchet nodded and flipped the switch. The familiar swirl of greens, blues and purples glowed brightly in front of them.

Arcee, Bulkhead, Bumblebee, Smokescreen, and Megatronus gathered behind Optimus. "Roll out!" came the order.

One by one the bots raced into the vortex. Reaching their destination which happened to be somewhere in rural England.

Arcee was the first one through. "Oh scrap." She swore.

With the Decepticon warship hovering overhead, drones worked furiously to uncover the relic.

"Arcee behind you!" Megatronus' warning came just in time. The nimble femme barely managed to dodge the well aimed shot by a Vehicon that would've struck her head where she'd been standing just moments before. Landing on her feet she unsheethed her blades and lunged. Chaos erupted as the Autobots stormed towards the relic.

Bulkhead engaged several more Vehicons. Bumblebee took care of a few more. Optimus and Megatronus charged side by side, each wielding their own respective items of power. The Star Saber and the Requiem Blaster. Optimus sent a wave out from the blade while Megatronus attached the gun to his arm, prepping it for firing. His other servo had become a small energon blade with which he used to slice down any Decepticon that got in his way.

Shots rained down from above as Starscream and his flyers attacked. At the same time Megatron appeared, his Dark Star Saber unsheathed. Megatronus' jaw clenched at the sight of the warlord's arm. It was the first time he had seen even a piece of Liege Maximo in centuries. Optimus briefly put a calming hand on his shoulder and the black mech forced himself to relax.

"Two against one." He growled. "We can take him!"

Starscream chose to land beside his master then, and fired a pair of missiles right at the two. Megatronus and Optimus dove in opposite directions to avoid them, using their arms to shield their helms from the exploding debris.

"It's a trap." Optimus growled.

"The humans have a saying for our situation." Megatronus called back. "They'd say we're goosefucked."

The usually stoic prime raised an optic-ridge at that but otherwise said nothing. "Can you handle Starscream?" He asked.

"Give the word and he'll be burnt to a crisp." Megatronus replied, raising his arm that held the Requiem Blaster. "I'll cover you, go!"

Optimus nodded and took off charging towards Megatron. Before the Decepticon warlord could bring about his dark sword, Megatronus with his gun at half firing strength, let loose with a shot meant to knock him off his pedes. As the ground exploded in front of him, Megatron backed off slightly. His sword was brought to bear but not on Optimus. Megatronus ducked down behind a boulder, feeling it shatter as the dark wave hit it. Megatron was about to let loose with another but that's when Optimus' sword met his and the two clashed. Megatronus took off running, drawing a majority of the Decepticon's fire. Taking out several Vehicons, he made a run for the relic. He was yards away when he was blindsided by Knockout.

The Decepticon physician twirled his electrical rod in amusement while Megatronus attempted to shake off the dizziness that had so suddenly claimed his processor. ****

Megatronus shook his helm and managed to rise a little before he felt the hard cold muzzle of a gun barrel. "Ah, ah, ah." Scolded an amused voice. Knockout, one servo still holding his rod with the other turned into the gun that was so firmly pressed into the back of his head, was making no effort to keep the smile off his face. At last he had one of the lead Autobots at his mercy.

Optimus delivered a harsh swipe with the Star Saber that sent Megatron reeling. While the Decepticon found his pedes again, Optimus took the chance to turn and see Megatronus pinned. Thinking fast, he transformed one of his servos into a gun and fired a well aimed shot right at Knockout.

"Watch the paint!" Knockout roared, whirling around to see the culprit.

Megatronus took the opportunity and kicked Knockout's legs out from under him, rolling out of the way as the Decepticon fell. He was tempted to finish it right then and there but he knew that Optimus would never approve so instead he gave Knockout a harsh kick before turning his attention to the relic.

It was one he recognized but did not expect to find here. Alpha Trion would not have ever let the Quill leave his possession. Then again, neither would he have given the Covenant to Optimus either. Despite himself, Megatronus felt a pang of worry for his brother. Alpha Trion would not have given either things up unless he felt he was inadequate enough to protect them. It was just another sign pointing to his termination.

Shaking his helm to clear it, Megatronus held the Quill protectively. "Optimus, we have the relic!" He called.

Optimus gave him a brief nod before giving the order to fall back. He himself gave Megatron one last blow before following his own order. All Autobots raced into Ratchet's groundbridge. Megatron found his pedes again and fired off one last purple wave from his sword. Neither Optimus nor Megatronus could dodge it in time. Megatronus' protective instincts took over before he had a chance to think and he pushed Optimus into the groundbridge first. As he leaped in after him the wave him and Megatronus cried out as he felt the arm carrying the Requiem Blaster break.

He landed on his side in the base. Optimus was there in an instant and helped him up. Left arm dangling limply at his side, Megatronus handed him the Quill with his right servo. "This goes along with the Covenant." He said.

Optimus nodded, eyes grim. He knew the meaning of the find as well as Megatronus did. His eyes fell on the fellow prime's damaged arm. "Ratchet." He called.

The medbot helped Megatronus limp over to an empty medical berth. Megatronus winced as he removed the Requiem Blaster from his mangled arm. "What happened?" He demanded.

"Megatron. He fired one last blow from his sword. It was meant for Optimus but got me instead." The black prime replied with a grimace, his orange optics reflecting the light of Ratchet's welding torch.

"For that, I owe you Megatronus." Optimus rumbled gently.

Megatronus shook his head. "Better me than you, Prime." He replied.

"PRIME!"

"Yes?" "Yes?" Both Optimus and Megatronus replied, turning their heads towards an angry Agent Fowler.

Fowler sighed. "Optimus Prime." He corrected himself. "Why am I getting reports of a giant ship hovering 20 miles outside of London."

"The Decepticons were digging for an ancient relic. We were fortunate enough to recover it before them." Optimus replied.

Fowler pinched his nose. "This will be difficult to explain to Uncle Sam." He sighed.

"BULKHEAD I NEEDED THAT!" Both winced at Ratchet's angry tone. The offending wrecker sheepishly picked up the loball he threw and tossed it back to Bumblebee.

For the 100th time, Megatronus tried to shy away from Ratchet's torch. "MEGATRONUS PRIME! Do I have to put you into stasis to keep you from moving. Hold still!" The medic roared.

Megatronus sighed. "Yes Ratchet." He grumbled, unable to hide his grimace as Ratchet went back to repairing his arm.

"What happened out there anyway?" Miko asked, real concern in her voice.

Megatronus looked down at her. "Megatron got in a lucky shot is all. Just a few scratches." He assured.

"Humph." Ratchet snorted. "You're lucky you didn't lose your arm completely."

Megatronus merely sighed and leaned back on the berth, forcing himself to endure the medic's rant as he worked. Occasionally words like "Irresponsible" "glitch" and "fraghead" reached his ears.

The old prime allowed a small smile to slip past his faceplate. Goosefucked indeed...


End file.
